interesting... week 9

Reading through this chapter the topic which I found most interesting was in the little section that's called, "What keeps relationship together?" I haven't been in many relationships. I usually wonder how people who have been together for so long. Also, I wonder how many are still together since I'm around so many couples who seem to argue more than be happy with each other, still staying together after all the misery they put each other through. I thought it was very interesting how during MaryLund's study, people are brought together because of a commitment that allows two people to be together for long time because they invest themselves in the relationship to becomes happy or try to be. The relationship is based on love dealing with both staying committed, loyal, and understand each other. I agree with the study because I feel like many relationships have failed throughout what i have seen or heard because they do not have the will or power to keep it together and work things out. No matter how much love there is, it will still mean nothing if both person’s hearts are not completely dedicated to the relationship they have built. If people stick by and try to work things out that means they really care for you and want to be with you and if they don't you just have to let them go.

defensive

I usually tend to get defensive a lot in arguments and what not. After reading the Gibb's Defensiveness-producing communication behaviors, I figured out that like most of us are so impatient and indecisive. I always tend to take everything personally and act defensive because thats just my personality. For example, last month I was at work and i was just putting in my order on the computer since i'm a server and one of the host comes up to me introducing me to the girl she was training. She introduced the new host as Gabby and then was like this is our ghettoest server So and so, and then i was like wth..... thats hella rude.. but i didn't really take it that defensive because i took it as a joke so i joked back and said next time you say something like that i'm going to cut you as a JOKE. Then she left and i thought everything was cool, but it turns out the next day she snitched me out because i threatened her even though it was a joke and she started it. So I then took it defensively because i got in trouble and she didn't even though she was the one that started it. I was mad at her and the managers made me pissed off and i am usually a happy person.If people come at me like that then of course i'm going to be a defensive person especially if they are going to snitch.  Out of Gibb's six defensive categories I think my personal example follows control/problem oriented and certainty/provisionalism.

confirming when disagreeing

 I have always found it difficult to confirm others when I disagree with them, but while reading this chapter it helped me understand confirming people or their ideas. It hard for me to listen when i don't agree with them because I usually get in a little debate if i disagree with them while they are talking.  There are three different ways confirming either people and/or their ideas.  Recognition is the concept you recognize that they exist.  Usually meaning when you disagree with someone you tend to ignore them and not acknowledge their presence by not looking at them. Acknowledgment is the way one feels known/ cared for and what others feel, think or say.  With confirming others through acknowledgment we tend to use either head nod or  paraphrasing to communicate that tells the speaker we are listening and makes the speaker feel important to listen to.  If you disagree with someone people may use acknowledgement by ignoring what the others say and start to change the subject or something.  Endorsement is the way we accept another person’s feelings and thoughts.  If you disagree with someone you usually reject the feelings they are trying to express and deny their inner emotions.  I think using and understanding the levels of confirmation will help us distinguish between confirming people and their ideas. From now on if I do find myself in a disagreement I need to confirm with them rather than disconfirm them by acknowledging they are there, recognizing their feelings and accepting their thoughts to be a better communicator and person or friend to them. 

interesting

The reading i found the most interesting was rational-emotive approach to feeling. The rational-emotive approach to feelings consist of a pyramid that has 4 steps. This approach involves feelings using rational thinking and self talk to challenge emotions, which may be weaken relationships and healthy self-concepts. The first step in the pyramid is watching and sensing your emotional reactions to certain events and troubles. It is important to know your emotions and understand what is happening with your body and your nonverbal behavior because you don't want to act out.  The second step is to understand which situations make you feel unpleasant. You don't want to be in those types of situation because you'll be really upset, so you should just walk away. The third step is to tune into your self-talk and identify whether it is telling you that you shouldn’t feel certain emotions. Always go with your first instinct with anything unless someone or evidence proves you wrong. The fourth step is to use self-talk so you can challenge the fallacies. I really think by using this pyramid it can be really helpful to understanding your feelings and emotions. I think self talk is a major thing to feelings and emotions because you know and what you are feeling so it is important when being or trying to be positive or when being negative but that should be kept to the self. 

fallacies

The most common fallacies discussed in this chapter are: perfectionism, obsession with shoulds, over-generalization, taking responsibility for others, helplessness, and fear of catastrophic failure. These fallacies are pretty self explanatory for the types of faults they are and doesn't need a lot of explanation for each. Usually these fallacies trigger emotions and cause or sometimes help us make decisions for possibly the wrong or right reasons. I believe in my interpersonal communication I see perfectionism and taking responsibility for others.  Perfectionism is when we have unrealistically low self-concept which can cause chronic dissatisfaction with self causing low self esteem and what not. Taking responsibility for others is when you think you are responsible for others feeling. You kind of feel guilty for their responsibility just because you had a tad bit to do with it. Always just take on your own responsibility and try to help others deal with it but don't take it too personal. With my interpersonal communication I need to be able challenge these fallacies by using skills that will help my communicational skills. By using positive self-talk and using little negative self-talk it challenges these fallacies. I tend to be a negative person at times and it brings people down so i have to change that about me. 

perspective on emotions

The perspective that made sense to me the most about emotions was the social influences on emotions. People's emotions are represented and influenced by the culture and the social groups they belong to. Social influences like family, neighborhoods, gangs, schools, work places reflect peoples emotions. Where ever we stand in the relationship with who we are hanging out with or around reflects are emotion depending on if we like them or not. This perspective shows that people hide their real emotions because they don't want to feel weird and not normal. This perspective is probably why people don't act on how they feel and hide their emotions because they want to fit in and what not. The other perspectives gives you insight on other people's emotion but the social influences stuck out because i feel like people emotions are more hidden due to the influences around them because they either don't want to hurt anyones feelings, shyness, etc. People just have to be real and blunt sometimes but thats just what i think. :)